Giuliana is a Commie (and also, Pat Buchanan for President)

At least that's what most conservative voters think, according to a recent Times poll on the former New York Mayor. (Obviously, my stance on Giuliana's political leanings are clear). Actually, I lied. That's not what they said at all - they actually said they'd vote for him - but that's what they think if the Los Angeles Times article on his candidacy is to be believed. Sure, the reporter only talked to a few God-fearing Christians in Iowa, but everyone knows that the correct thing to do is to interview a few people in a small town and draw sweeping conclusions about the entire conservative voter base accordingly. Nonetheless, citing things like his unreasonable support of godless liberal positions on abortion, gun control, and a myriad of other anti-Jesus issues like science, reason, and divorce, the apparently representative sample of Mid-Western fascists seem to be in agreement that they'd rather see a total pussy in office than a Democrat. I suppose I wouldn't expect anything less from people stubborn enough to still believe in the Bible.

Still, my point stands: Giuliani is a commie (catchy campaign slogan for Thompson? I think so.) Enough of this centrist-leaning, "oh I just want someone that can win in the general election" bullshit. You know why the Republican party sucks ass now? It's got no balls. Bring back Reagan! Bring back the Cold Warriors! Stop trying to sugar-coat the conservative platform and get back to roots of the movement: slavery, laissez-faire economics, and most importantly a Puritan (now Evangelical) theocracy. If we ran our society like the one in The Scarlet Letter, we wouldn't have to worry about abortion, gay people, or anything else. We could just make a letter for every transgression of the Ten Commandments, then you'd know exactly what you were in for with each person you met. We could even know right away the people that were destined for Hell - 3 or more and you're headed straight for Satan. Better yet, we could just use numbers to denote the violation, since every good American should know his 10 Commandments backwards and forwards.

Back to my original point. This country is in a state of moral decay and it's time we do some cleansing. The Final Solution: Pat Buchanan for President. Now there's a real American we can all get behind. Hate homeless people, gays, and lazy minorities? So does Pat Buchanan! Want to carry guns around in case a meth addict tries to rob you? You can if you vote for Pat. In a sheepish, flip-flopping, John Kerry-like approach to winning over the conservative base, Guiliana has been moving to the right in order to look more like Hitler and less like Nader. Last week he came out in support of the recent Supreme Court decision to uphold a ban on mid-term abortion. That wouldn't be odd, except that he vowed never to oppose that ban in 1997. He also said individual states should be able to decide whether or not it was allowed to fly the Confederate flag. Still, none of that will help him against true believers like those interviewed in the Times article:

"I would not vote for Rudy, because he's been married and divorced twice," said Norman Nieuwsma, 73, a retired postal clerk who was buying a gold coin honoring the town's 2007 tulip queen. "It's a Christian issue. When you take the oath — for better or worse, until death do us part — that's what it means."

Amen.