Newt Gingrich...what the fuck?

I've been hearing this little gnome's name dropped more and more frequently lately, including a couple times in reference to a possible bid for the Presidency. Holy shit. Newt Gingrich as President? First I laughed, then I laughed more, then I laughed a third time when I realized that some people were actually serious about this.

Whether he runs or not, though, I have to say my respect for him as gone up after reading a New York Times article about his comments regarding the Bush Administration. Granted, my respect for him couldn't go anywhere but up after it came out that he was having an affair at the exact same time as he was calling for Clinton's resignation over the Monica Lewinksy scandal. I suppose that's par for the course as far as politicians go, but I refuse to hold politicians to a lower standard just because they consistently fuck up.

Anyway, here's what Gingy said:

“You can’t be a governing national party and write off entire regions,” Mr. Gingrich said. “All he proved was that the anti-Kerry vote was bigger than the anti-Bush vote."

Pretty astute if you ask me. And then he continued with this prediction:

He is quoted in The New Yorker as suggesting that a Republican will win the White House by running against Mr. Bush as Nicolas Sarkozy won the presidency in France by running against his fellow party member Jacques Chirac, in whose cabinet he had served.

Not bad Newt, not bad at all. Some of the best political punditry I've seen a while. Now don't get too excited. That doesn't mean I'm voting for you. It just means that I think you're less of an idiot than I did before. Confused? Watch this.




Wow. I just watched this video again and it just sank you back to the bottom Newt. You're an idiot.

Memorial Day

While half of America takes advantage of the Memorial Day Sales, I decided not to insult everyone who has died an honorable death defending our country by indulging in shameless consumption (and by tacit consent, legitimizing the way this day has been commercialized). Here's a picture from the New York Times, that says what I want to say.

Democrats Puss Out

Political parties blow. Both of them. All of them. But my respect for the Democrats had been growing lately over their newly-found balls (helped by poll numbers no doubt) on the Iraq war and the funding bill. That respect ended today when the Democrats capitulated to Bush with the passage of a bill that does nothing more than solidify the status-quo.

That's too bad. Not because the Democrats were right (I'm not sure that they were), just that I could have respected the party if it had finally found its spine. Disappointed? Me too.

Here's what Bush said:

“As it provides vital funds for our troops, this bill also reflects a consensus that the Iraqi government needs to show real progress in return for America’s continued support and sacrifice"

Really, Mr. President? Because to me it reflects that Hillary and Pelosi probably have more balls than all of the other Democrats combined. After the passage, an NPR guest suggested that the Adminstration had "played a weak hand very well," and I have to agree. By implication, that also means the Democrats played a strong hand poorly. And I have to agree with that, too.



Too right, sir. Too right.

Quick, Someone Assassinate Fred Thompson

For a while it was looking like Democrats had the Presidency in the bag: Guiliani is an abortion-loving, gay marriage endorsing liberal that none of the conservatives like (John Kerry, anyone?), McCain is old, and Romney (despite his unbelievable good looks and smokin' hot daughters) is a Mormon. That made me happy. I felt like I could just sit back and watch as they beat themselves with their informed, non-Biblically founded opinions.

But now it looks like Thompson wants to ruin that for me by running.

God damnit. The worst part about the whole ordeal is that Thompson has a legitimate shot at winning the nomination, and an equally legitimate shot at winning in the main election. Especially considering the people he's going to be (most likely) running against: A Black Guy and A Mannish Woman. We're fucked. The only thing we can hope for now is a gaff on the order of "Macaca," or some skeleton in Thompson's closet.

If none of those things pan out though, Democrats need to start considering other avenues. The best one: assassination. As far as I'm concerned, it would be payback. Military Nazis killed JFK, hippies kill Fred Thompson. The conservatives should take that offer, it's more than fair. JFK had sex with Marilyn Monroe, Thompson plays legal-types on a TV Show.



Damn you, Fred Thompson.

Amnesty for Everyone! I love Amnesty!

Republicans are having a bitch-fest about the new immigration bill, at least most of them are. They've been after the Democrats since the debate began, calling the immigration reform tantamount to amnesty (which it is). The semantics of the debate have reached all-time highs recently, which has eclipsed the much more interesting and less anger-inducing aspect of the whole ordeal: when business trumps racism. I find it somehow fitting and also funny that the only thing conservative congressman care about more than racial supremacy is the money in their wallet. Immigration is perhaps the most divisive issue for the right, and I think it's along these lines that votes tend to fall.

Here's a recent story the LA Times did on the topic:

New immigration bill faces a wall of old opposition

Attacks from left and right suggest latest push for change, although representing a potential breakthrough, could again end in a stalemate affecting millions.

I tend to agree: immigration is like abortion, it loses votes for everyone (which is the biggest problem, because everyone knows politics is more important than the issues in the political arena). In the meantime, go go border crossings!

Houston, We Have a Mexican

Oh, do we! Richardson entered the race as the THIRD minority candidate for the Democratic Presidential Nomination. So, to recap, here's what we've got so far:

1 Woman
1 Black Guy
1 Mexican

Hmm, looks like we're missing a few. We still need an asian candidate, that's for sure. A Muslim candidate might help us out. Of course we could just throw the Reverend Jesse Jackson in there again. Yeah, I know he's black, but he's that special kind of black so he doesn't count.

My broader point here: what kind of faith should we have in the "throw every minority at them" approach that has characterized the Democratic side so far? I, for one, am not holding my breath. Here's the LA Times vomit:

New Mexico Gov. Richardson officially enters presidential race

In L.A. speech, former congressman, diplomat announces bid to be first Latino U.S. president.

Flanked by local Latino leaders and a large contingent of politicians from his home state, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson formally entered the 2008 presidential campaign Monday, saying that his thick resume offered him an ability unmatched by others in the race to tackle the country's problems at home and abroad.

The Democratic candidate, who has been running for months and has already aired campaign ads, made his announcement in downtown Los Angeles' Millennium Biltmore Hotel.

Richardson's official entry expands what is becoming the most diverse field of mainstream presidential candidates in U.S. history. He is of Mexican heritage, and his candidacy joins those of Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.), the son of a black man, and Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-N.Y.), the first woman to campaign in the top tier of her party's presidential contenders.

Political Death Match: Romney vs. McCain

Winner: the Democrats!

While the Romney and McCain campaigns had been rumored for some time to be harboring ill-will towards one another, they had played nice. Until now.

Here's the summary:

WASHINGTON -- Republican John McCain accused presidential rival Mitt Romney of flip-flopping on immigration Monday and said with sarcasm: "Maybe his solution will be to get out his small varmint gun and drive those Guatemalans off his lawn."

McCain also said he was disappointed in potential candidate Fred Thompson for opposing immigration legislation the Arizona senator is co-sponsoring.

The immigration spat comes as the GOP race turns increasingly contentious and as Romney, the former Massachusetts governor, shows signs of gaining steam in Iowa and New Hampshire while Thompson lays the groundwork for what increasingly appears to be his own White House bid.

Awesome. The immigration debate is (as I've said in a previous post) probably the worst possible issue for Republicans, because it loses them votes no matter what they do. Not that I have any pity for them--these things happen when half your party is racist and the other half doesn't give a fuck about anything but their income. Still, Republicans owning Republicans can't be a bad thing.

It also highlights two other aspects of the Romney and McCain campaigns that make me happy--they both face massive obstacles in their White House bids, ones which will come back to bite them in the ass in the main election. My prediction is that McCain won't even make it there; if he's grasping for straws this early, he knows it's because there is something wrong. And that something won't go away.

As for Romney, well, he's quite the commie, especially for a Mormon. If that whole "wearing underwear with the name of the planet you are going to rule when you die" thing doesn't hurt him in the coming months (that is a real Mormon belief, by the way), his liberal record in Massachussets will.

Hillary Clinton Sucks

I read a great opinion piece in the last Time magazine (can't remember who the author is by), and the basic thesis was this: when people look at Hillary, they see a woman, and that means a change in the status quo. But if you look at Hillary the politician, not Hillary the woman, what you see is exactly the opposite. She's shockingly plain, maybe even predictably entrenched in the Democratic leadership. I see the John Kerry-in-reverse effect happening here (how fitting that the party moves radically one way, electing a boring but seemingly electable candidate, only to nominate an exotic but actually bland one the next year).

That idea got a welcomed boost with a recent Los Angeles Times article exposing what a conservative bitch Hillary really is (which I find bemusing considering most conservatives think her a boundless commie).

At Wal-Mart, Clinton didn't upset any carts

As a board member, she touted women and the environment but didn't fight anti-union efforts.

That pretty much sums it up, folks. We've got a black guy and Hillary. We're so fucked.



This film may be familiar, but that doesn't make it any less applicable.

War Czar: the worst job ever

Bush selects general for 'war czar'

The not-very-long and relatively unfruitful search for a war czar ended today with Bush's appointment of General Douglas E. Lute. But Lute's already got two strikes against him in my book, and here's why:

1: He's only a three-star general. What a pussy. I didn't even know they had three-star generals, probably because they suck and never get appointed to any cool positions.
2: He was dumb enough to take the job. This position is an odd Catch-22, because it requires an extremely intelligent person. On the other hand, anyone that would take the job at this point must be a fucking idiot (two four-star generals turned Bush down, which proves my point about three-star generals. Hacks. All of them).

Here's some info on Lute, who seems to be a good guy (too bad his job is hopeless)

-	In his own words: The new war czar speaks
-	Biographical data on Gen. Douglas E. Lute

The actual job of the War Czar is unclear (how fitting), but what is clear is that the title is fitting. This guy will have to be a serious feudal lord (in the Czar Nicholas sense of course) to get anything done.

Lute will have to go through the Senate confirmation, which will give the Democrats ample time to bitch and the Republicans ample time to walk the thin line between giving Bush a pseudo-blowjob and trying not to come off like a commie. I'll be watching for sure, because I'm definitely not tired of hearing old people complain because they're grandkids forgot to change their diapers.

Most Worthless Blog Award

The Conservative Tuna: an idiot's guide to understanding the political universe

So in the interest of checking out what other people were bullshitting about on their blogs, I surfed around the excel file of blogs and came to this little gem: Conservative Tuna, which perhaps not so coincidentally happens to be an anagram for "Rove: A Navie's Cunt." I'm not sure what that means, but maybe that is fitting since none of what TunaCon writes seems to be any more coherent.

Reading a couple entries of that thing reminds me of listening to Bill O'Reilly, except Billy is funny and entertaining. The best analogy I can give to the experience of reading TunaCon's blog is the act of bludgeoning myself over the head with a mallet labelled "dumb ideas" until I pass out. Three entries in, I felt like I do after I see a shitty movie: I wanted some monetary compensation for the 5 minutes of my life that I had wasted.

Which brings me to the links on the side of his page - FoxNews? Seriously? There is a reason why no conservative papers (with the exception of the Wall Street Journal) ever win any awards: they're terrible, overtly politically biased (I concede that all papers have a bias in what they choose to report, but the best are objective in how they report what they do), and generally spineless. True patriotism is standing up for the values of this country when those values are in jeopardy, not bending over to give some red-white-and-blue fellatio to the Bush administration.

Now, I'm not saying that CNN is any better - in fact, they're both equally worthless. The only difference between those two networks is that watching one is like beating yourself senseless with a hammer and sickle, and watching the other is like beating yourself senseless with a swastika. Like TunaCon, they engage in boring and narrow-minded punditry that ignores the complexity of any issue actually worth talking about. And all three take themselves too seriously: no one cares what you think, partly because you're points are largely ideological ramblings with no factual basis, and partly because you're just not that good at making them anyway.

Farewell to Falwell

God damn that title rocked. Anyway, the Great Divider, Reverend Jerry Falwell is dead today. I thought about waiting to report on this because I like to wait a few days to make fun of dead people, but I figured I'm destined for hell anyway so fuck it.

Personally, I always loved Falwell. Watching him speak and watching the 700 club were two of my favorite activities. Granted, I watched them for the comedy value (made all the better because they were completely serious the whole time), but I welcome laughter in whatever form it takes, even if it's at the expense of others.

On the whole, though, I'd have to agree with the New York Times: Love him or hate him, Falwell was an integral part of the political landscape for both Democrats and Republicans, and will continue to hold sway even after his death. It's like when Time put Hitler on their cover as the most influential man of the 20th century; genocidal murderer or not, he was a great man in the objective sense, and the same can be said for Falwell.

In other news, I hadn't seen a picture of him in quite a long time, and had forgotten how fat he was. In parting, here are some of the Reverend's most lasting and poignant insights about the world we live in and the people that are sinning their way right into Hell.

On faith:

If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being.
On 9/11:
The ACLU's got to take a lot of blame for this.
On disease:
AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals.
On literature:
The Bible is the inerrant word of the living God. It is absolutely infallible,without error in all matters pertaining to faith and practice, as well as in areas such as geography, science, history, etc.
On politics:
The idea that religion and politics don't mix was invented by the Devil to keep Christians from running their own country.
On music:
Billy Graham is the chief servant of Satan.

R.I.P. you crazy son of a bitch. We'll miss you.

Everything Kills You

Common chemicals are linked to breast cancer

As usual, scientists are trying to scare the hell out of us. According to a newly released report, more than 200 chemicals, many of which are found in urban air and everyday consumer products, can cause breast cancer. First, I've got to say: I'm glad I'm not a woman. Nonetheless, is anyone really surprised? I mean, we use more than 400,000 chemicals and are exposed to approximately 1,000 different chemicals per week. Still, it seems unfair that women should suffer so. I think we ought to have to carry around uranium necklaces (along with a national ID card of course) to even the playing field. Maybe if everyone starts getting cancer people will start giving a shit about it.

If you want to know more, check out these stories, which will also scare the hell out of you:

Chemical carcinogens

Despite cancer, many keep careers healthy

And here's some more info on other stuff that will kill you, as per the LA Times article:

Seventy-three are present in consumer products or are food contaminants — 1,4-dioxane in shampoos, for example, or acrylamide in French fries. Thirty-five are common air pollutants, 25 are in workplaces where at least 5,000 women are employed, and 10 are food additives, according to the reports.

On the bright side, this article has affirmed one important thing for me: I'm going to die no matter what I do, so why bother quit smoking (cigarettes, that is). But here's a video for those more daring bloggers out there:

The Dead Baby That Just Won't Die

Giuliani is having one hell of a time beating back all those pro-lifers in the Republican party. That's not surprising, although it seems to be for Giuliani's campaign. Despite a massive amount of time to formulate a palatable response to the abortion question, they're failing pretty miserably at this point.

In a somewhat ironic (perhaps intentionally, it is the New York Times after all), the NY liberals brought up the issue in a recent story:

Abortion Rises Anew for Giuliani

Am I the only one that sees the pun there? Maybe not, at least I hope not, because I chuckled and I've got to believe it was calculated.

Still, it raises a valid question: how is Rudy going to get past the dead baby problem? As the campaign has continued, the issue has become a hanger in the side for the Republican hopeful, and it doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon. If things continue as they are now, he may be forced to, well, abort.

My religion is better than your religion.

Romney, stressing leadership, also faces religion issue

First things first: Mitt Romney looks like a president. I mean, God damn, if there ever was a man that deserved to be president on looks alone it's Romney. It's ironic that with all that talk of God, his genetics are impeccable. I wonder if maybe his family line has been strategically bread (and on that note, I could say the same of all Mormons. Mormon girls are smoking hot, mostly all of them. It's almost as if God is playing a joke on the faithless by creating girls you'd like nothing more than to have sex but require marriage before they put out). He even gave the commencement address at Virginia!

Okay, back to the story. Romney has been reaching out to the conservative, largely Evangelical base of Republicans. He's worried (and rightly so) that when Christians look at him all they'll see is Polygamy and the fact that they believe Joseph Smith was a messiah. So he's been playing nice with some of the Christian big-wigs in an attempt to win them over. Sure, he looks the part. But is he willing to ignore the vast strides made in scientific research since Darwin? That's what they really want to know.

He's been helped out by his good looks and not at all unrelated ability to raise massive amounts of money. Here's some more stuff about Mitt for all the women who wish he was a depraved atheist and not a wholesome God-fearing Mormon.

-	Romney assets estimated at least $190 million
-	Romney explains abortion stand
-	Romney sharply responds to Sharpton comments on his belief in God
-	GOP money surprise: Romney No. 1

Bush Burns American Flag

U.S., Iran to hold rare talks; subject is Iraq

Bush finally broke down this past week and agreed to meet with Iran, breaking the longstanding tradition of refusing to negotiate with pretty much any nation he doesn't like. To be fair to Bush, his stubborn nature remain intact as they only agreed to speak about Iraq. And if Iraq wasn't getting worse by the day, he might not have even done that at all. So don't worry Bushy, I still think you're an idiot.

Mission Accomplished.

Both sides are calling the talks "negotiations," but I think that might be a misnomer. A better description might be "two old people sitting a room agreeing about nothing." Some people called the meeting a "positive and optimistic development," although I think it is probably more like a calm before the nuclear storm. Still, the talks are the highest-level negotiations to take place between the countries in quite some time. Judging by the prime motivation behind the talks on the part of the US, this is both good and bad. On the bad side, it's taken 4 million refugees and more than 100,000 civilian casualties to get us to the table. On the good side, the way things are going we'll be having Iranian diplomats over for a tea party in no time.

As usual, Bush played it cool: "The Bush administration has long kept the Islamic regime in Tehran at arm's length, accusing it of supporting international terrorism, seeking to develop nuclear weapons and backing insurgents in Iraq. But the Iranian government is believed to have influence both with Iraq's Shiite-dominated government and with Shiite militias, and the Bush administration is under increasing pressure from even its Republican allies in Congress to show progress in Iraq."

Democrats try to remove Hammer and Sickle Stain

Democrats war against anti-military image

Since the Vietnam War, the Democrats have largely been seen as anti-military commies. It's not even just anti-war, but anti-spine. Now the Democrats' eyes are wider than a white kid at a rap concert as the Republicans have managed to screw up so bad the Dems may actually be able to spin their commie-ness as the right thing to do. Still, it's too early to tell. They did, after all, manage to completely botch the last election. Unseating Bush was like shooting fish in a barrel--if you had a gun, that is.

That pretty much explains it.

Want Cheap Gas? Move to Iraq.

Iraqis resist U.S. pressure to enact oil law

To be fair, this post actually isn't about cheap gas at all. In fact, it's about how Iraqis are fighting over oil. But I'm going to make it about cheap gas since I had to sell my kidney to fill up the tank of truck yesterday.

In any case, the Iraqis are squabbling over a controversial oil law that US officials have touted as the most important step in ending the civil war. I wish I could say I was convinced, but unlike Americans, I don't think Iraqis will be willing to forget the massive country-wide bloodshed because they have just got a share of some oil profits (like we forgot about what a shitty president Bush was when gas prices went down, that is).

Some arabs sabotaging our goodwill.

Although the bill has met resistance, it may still pass. Big surprise though, the White House had called for a May 5 deadline that obviously will not be met. If the White House was a reporter, it would have been fired about 6 years ago. Just by sheer probability one would think Bush would have gotten something right by this point. Here's my suggestion Mr. President: use a Quiji Board. I know, it sounds insane (though perhaps less insane than looking to God for guidance in making foreign policy decisions), but I'm fairly confident you'll do better with it than you have been doing relying on your own wit. Here's a quick synopsis of the oil law nonsense (courtesy, though perhaps not so curteously, from the LA Times):

Opposition ranges from vehement to measured, but two things are clear: The May deadline that the White House had been banking on is in doubt. And even if the law is passed, it fails to resolve key issues, including how to divide Iraq's oil revenue among its Shiite, Kurdish and Sunni regions, and how much foreign investment to allow. Those questions would be put off for future debates.

The problems of the oil bill bode poorly for the other so-called benchmarks that the Bush administration has been pressuring Prime Minister Nouri Maliki's government to meet. Those include provincial elections, reversing a prohibition against former Baath Party members holding government and military positions and revision of Iraq's constitution.

Reagan Is Dead. Get Over It.

Differences emerge as Republicans debate

The Democrats should use their newfound majority to impose strict penalties on Republicans who are riding Reagan's Cold Warrior coattails to cover their own incompetence. I propose a law that punishes the next Republican candidate that says Reagan's name with a swift kick in the balls. Not that I was counting or anything, but I'd be willing to guess Reagan's name was used upwards of 100 times at the first Republican debate. Shocking.

The New York Times said it best: Bush is rarely invoked, Reagan is repeatedly, as the 10 GOP presidential hopefuls each promise change if elected in '08.

Exactly. The thing is, Reagan was president in a time completely at odds to ours. He was fighting a united, monolithic (or at least, so we thought) communist infliltration (yeah Reagan, get those commies!). We are fighting a decentralized, fractured, divergent network of terrorist organizations that operate around the world through a temporary medium (the internet). So yeah, stop pretending that using his name will somehow invoke his spirit. While Reagan is the second best thing to Jesus for Republicans, invoking him won't hurry his resurrection along. You've gotta wait for the real rapture for that one, kids.

Here's some other goodies, courtesy of the LA Times, for those of you who actually give a shit about politics. Have a ball.
-	Giuliani, Clinton lead in Connecticut
-	First debates draw around 4 million viewers
-	Fred Thompson calls for continued presence in Iraq
-	Schwarzenegger loses debate--and he wasn't even in it
-	GOP presidential candidates, gathering for first debate, also tap California donors
-	Fred Thompson: Actor. Senator. Presidential candidate?
-	What do presidential candidates watch on TV, besides themselves?
-	Democratic debaters get their first close-up
-	2008 Candidate Profiles

Barack Obama: 1 Klu Klux Klan: 0

Barack Obama requested and received Secret Service Protection today. My question is this: when did we start extending affirmative action to politicians? Just because every redneck is out to assassinate him doesn't mean he has to puss out and get some bodyguards. Is this the willy-nilly attitude towards public expenditure he's going to take once he's in office? If it is, don't count on my vote Mr. Obama. Here's the gist according to the New York Times:

The decision to assign agents to protect Senator Barack Obama, a full nine months before the Democratic primary, is the earliest the Secret Service has ever issued security detail to a presidential candidate. Russ Knocke, a spokesman for the Department of Homeland Security, said today he could not comment on whether the decision was made in response to a specific threat against Mr. Obama or his family, but that several criteria were taken into account before the authorization was made.

Shocking. Since when is the Bush administration in the business of giving freebies to minorities? His recent policies have been very confusing - the push for a comprehensive immigration reform not least among them - and I'm just not sure where our WASPY racist has gone.

To be fair to Obama, he is going to need that extra security after receiving an endorsement from ORPAH WINFREY today. There's two things someone can do to really piss of the KKK. The first is to be black. The second is to be endorsed by Oprah Winfrey. Personally, I like Barack, but don't know what the hell he is thinking. Does he want to live long enough to become President, or what? The only thing that could increase the likelihood of his assassination at this point is if he fathered an illegitimate child with Hillary Clinton.

Cops Beat Mexicans

In Orange County this may be taken as the status quo for most of us, but for some reason people seemed to be surprised after the LAPD "dispersed" the May Day crowd at MacArthur Park on Tuesday.



The best part about this video were the tag terms: gestapo, military state, nazi, riot gear.

I couldn't explain it better myself.

CNN: Challenging Fox News for Worst News Station Ever

I know what you're thinking: what a monumental task! As completely useless as Fox News? As shamelessly unnews-worthy? Impossible!

Well, you're right, it is. I doubt any other news network will ever manage to sink as low as Fox, or at least ever be as good capturing an audience whose average IQ ranks somewhere between 15 and 45. Take, for example, this stellar piece of journalism:



Wow, I mean just wow. I'm still not sure how Fox managed to get a seasoned vetern like old Chuck to even come on their show. Incredible, just incredible.

Obviously CNN would have to really pull out all the stops to beat Fox in the race to the bottom of the intelligence barrel. They're not there yet, but they're sure trying. Consider the I-Reporter feature they just introduced. Don't be fooled, the I-Reporter idea may seem like a fancy of saying "cell-phone video for shock-value stories that aren't news at all," but this is legitimate journalism folks. I mean sure, the video replaying a train hitting an 18-wheeler may not exactly be news, but that one titled "Man sues Cleaners for $65M" is some hard-hitting shit.